Head shrinkery

As you are all aware I have been talking to a shrink to manage some of the crap that has been going on in my head. The contents of my brain is dark and twisted at the best of times, but when it gets stuck in a loop there is no other option than to get that external assessment. Your friends can sympathise, but aren’t always qualified to help you plan your next move (though they may be more than willing to assist you in the disposal of a body).

In this respect having these appointments has been very helpful. Sometimes it’s not what's in front of you that is really the issue, or at least not completely. Sometimes it’s just the trigger. The trigger in this case was Ms L, and the implosion of our friendship. While the feelings of hurt (and my ongoing trust issues) are in no way insignificant, it is not the central issue. It boils down to two things: loss and grief. In part for Ms L, but mostly for my Pop.

My Pop died two years ago last January. He had been an alcoholic for much of his life, but had been sober for nearly 5 years. It was when he had stopped drinking that they found the cancer in his liver. I won’t go into his final stages in great detail, just the two important points: he died in my arms, and my family were at each other’s throats by the end of the funeral.

With everything going pear-shaped I didn’t really get an opportunity to grieve. It is one of my many (many) in-built flaws: when things go to shit I put my feelings aside and get on with what needs doing. Part of my problem is that I have been doing that for a very long time. As a short term solution it has its benefits. As a long term solution it’s about as helpful as serving bacon sandwiches at Middle East peace talks. Mmmmmmmmm bacon.

So while I was left feeling hurt and grieving the loss of my friendship with Ms L (who was the first person I really connected with since my Pop died), I was hit with the original grief that I hadn’t processed. The severity of my funk now makes a hell of a lot more sense.

Ms L is the only person who will ever know why she reacted the way she did (and as much as not knowing bugs me, it is something I will have to live with). I still miss my friend, but now I can at least understand my own reaction. Not bad for three sessions.

I may be sane by easter ;)

 

Shrink wrap part 3

Well, I survived. In fact I feel fairly good. Was a little touch and go for a moment, but mostly I’m good. My Doc’s do look after me, though I’m apparently getting a little too cuddly. Of course the first thing I did when I got home was to look up a recipe for rosewater ice cream. Not that we have an ice cream maker, but I’ll probably give it a go anyway.

Other than that I’m making sure I spend time on my uni stuff, and looking forward to next week. Play date with the library girls on Wednesday, and off to MQFF with Miss R on Sun/Mon/Sat/Sun. Busy busy busy. But still, lots of fun.

One more thing: http://smurfhappens.com/

shrink wrap part 2

Right, 11/3 is the day. Doc called with appointment time, and to organise for me to see my GP first. He wants to make sure I've got a mental health plan, so the government will pay for everything. So Tek first, then Ashley. Going to be rather busy next Friday.

Stupid brain, your days are numbered.

shrink wrap

Ok, so the last post was about not sharing. More specifically, about not discussing Ms L with Miss R. Of course, given how much Miss R and I do actually talk about stuff, I explained my reason behind this. Not a short discussion. Not as traumatic as it could have been, but still no walk in the park.

By the end Miss R was strongly advocating that I go and talk to someone about this stuff. Someone professional. Now as anyone who has had to prove their sanity (and I have the little pieces of paper that say so) will tell you, I’m not keen on this. But the truth is, this Ms L thing isn’t getting better.

It is better now than say December, when things first went to shit. And it is better than January, when I was angry. But it’s now the end of February, and it’s still eating at me. Now I know that you don’t have all the information, so this isn’t going to make a lot of sense. For the sake of clarity, without going into detail, it breaks down like this:

 

• I told Ms L something very sensitive about my past. (It’s not something I normally discuss, as I have huge trust issues on this topic, but I told her because I did trust her. My mistake, obviously).
• Hours after this sank in I got “the email” from her about liking me, and how what I told her was too much in a boyfriend, but that it was ok for a friend. (Apparently I was only attractive until I had baggage).
• I sent the email clarifying that I already have a girlfriend, and was as gentle as humanly possible. I was also more than forgiving about the rejection part, (though I’m certainly not in a hurry to trust anyone with that information again).
• Then came the complete cutting of ties, the unfriending, and the refusal to talk to me in any/every way, shape, or form. (Was like being in high school all over again).

The fact that this is still bothering me, nearly three months after the event, would suggest that it’s not going to go away on its own. I’m not going to get any closure from Ms L, so I haven’t really got much in the way of options. You guys are all great, and patient (with only the occasional slap), but I think Miss R is right. It’s time to call in the big guns. Not really something I wanted to be considering now that uni has gone back, with the study, the home work, and the stair-rage (walk to the fucking left people, it’s not hard).

So, tomorrow I’ll make the call. I figure it can’t make me feel any worse.