You can't unring a bell

Once something is said it can’t be unsaid. This is something we are all aware of. Sometimes it is truer than others, or rather it applies to larger portions of some people’s lives. We all have secrets. Little things, like forgetting to check the pockets of the clothes going into the washing machine (unless there’s a tissue in there, then it’s a big deal). Medium ones, like putting a scratch in your brother’s brand new car (which was completely deliberate, but you can’t remember now why you were that angry at the time). And the big ones, like being abused as a child, or being a recovering drug addict. There are some even bigger than that (which I won’t go in to), but you get the general idea.

How you feel about people dictates how much you tell them. It is worth pointing out that just because you feel like you can tell someone something doesn’t actually mean you would or should tell them. Once it is out there then there is no going back. Sometimes it is just too much of a risk. Sometimes the other people involved don’t want to hear it. Sometimes, no matter how hard we might try, things go totally pear shaped.

An ex of mine was big on the idea of save points. Think a conversation is going to end badly? Really not happy with your day? Opened yourself up, only to be stabbed in the chest? Go back to your save point and do things differently this time. There are a few times I’d really love a save point:

• The day I signed up for the army (seemed like a good idea at the time, but my body has never really recovered)

• Selling all my stuff to move to London (wouldn’t have been so bad if the girl I was moving for hadn’t known she was going to break up with me weeks before I got on the plane)

•  Falling in love with someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t love me for who I am (which I am embarrassed to admit has happened more than once)

• Trusting people with information that could have a seriously negative impact on my life (something else I have done more than once. I’m beginning to think I’m a lousy judge of character)

Everyone has something that they regret, and while these are examples of times when I would have very much liked to have had a save point, I don’t actually regret them. There are always things that we wish we could do differently, or change the outcome of. But  (for me) to actually regret something, is to not have learnt anything from the situation.

What I have learnt most recently is that I have awesome friends. We are all as fucked up as each other, but that’s ok. In fact, it is a blessing. In a world where we have to spend so much time being “normal” it is a relief to have people who don’t need the act. People who accept you for who you are. They could just be keeping me around for my baking and book finding skills, but I don’t think it’s very likely. Though for a minute there I thought Miss A was going to cry when I gave her that copy of the Iliad ...