This time tomorrow I will once again back in the hell hole I grew up in for three days of torture, punctuated by homicidal thoughts, people I don't particularly care for, and unavoidable bullshit. I'm really not in the right frame of mind for this. Family is stressful enough, but christmas seems brings out the worst in us.
Traditionally the five and a half weeks between my birthday and christmas are filled with dread. Actually, it we're being brutally honest, it's from the 1st of November through to 2nd of January. I have always dreaded my birthday. If I were to look at it objectively I can remember only enjoying one, which would be depressing if things like that bothered me. It can be hard to celebrate something when it was also used as a reminder of how a single event fucked up peoples lives. But I digress.
The point is that by christmas I am usually wound tighter than an old watch, and want nothing more that to be far away from everyone and everything. I have only achieved this twice. Once with a uni friend who has been dead for six years now, and the other time with Ms' S & B. Though on the second ocassion I did end up in bed with a migraine by the end of the day.
This year will be the first christmas together since my grandfather died. The last christmas we all had together was 3 weeks before he died. But we will not all be together, since the family imploded shortly after the funeral (about 2 hours after). I can't say that the absence of my aunt and cousins worries me greatly. They have never cared for me, or how I have lived my life.
The main drama will be between my mother and grandmother. Strong willed women who aren't backward about coming forward. Though my mother tells me she will resist the urge, and bite her tounge. I have packed a needle and thread as I have visions of her biting clean through it. There will also be the tensions generated by my youngest brother and his continual failing in his paternal responsibilities, which my other brother feels so qualified to preach on (after all he pays his child support). Add to that my mothers ill health, and her increasing paranoia regarding my sister-in-law, and my own failing relationships ... and I'm supposed to be the peace keeper in all of this.
I should take comfort in the fact that I am already suitably numb, and that I will only be there for three days. Three very long days. So, what what words of wisdom can I offer for the holidays?
*forgive where you can
*be polite if you can't
*cranberry juice does wonders for internal plumbing
If you ignore the first two, trust me on the third. My kidney swear by it.
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