as another year draws to a close ...

I find myself reflecting on what has gone before. I'm not usually overly sentimental or nostalgic. I am rather good at leaving things behind, and disappearing without a trace. However, there are times when we discover that what we think we have moved past is still clinging to us. We have not moved past it, but are still draging it in our wake. So, what is this weight? Fear.

Fear that no matter how old we get, or how far we go, we never seem to escape. Kate Holden put it rather well:

"We tend to think of fear as something dramatic and epic: before a battle, or in the face of catastrophe. But it's part of our lives, and every day many of us find ourselves floating on that peculiar breathless tingly cushion of air, swallowing the hollowness in the throat. We must be so brave, even the littlest of us."

And we are. All of us. Even though it's hard, and we feel like cowards. Each in our own way, we are brave. Brave enough to be ourselves. Brave enough to risk letting other people in. Brave enough to think things will be differnet. Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes the fear grips us the moment things don't go to plan, and we jump at shadows before running for our lives.

But when do we stop? How far do we let the fear drive us? When has enough time passed for us to be able to look, objectively, at what scared us so badly and see it for what it actually is, rather than what we thought it was?

Sanskrit based languages have 96 terms for love, but we only have 1 in english. I have loved in the sanskrit sense. Without reservation, limitation, or expectation. Sometimes I have been loved in return.  Other times I have not. I have not always loved wisely, or well. But I have loved. Either way, I can look back on this year and be certain about one thing. I regret nothing.

more tales of woe ...

No, my arm hasn't fallen off. My girls have broken up. More specifically, my lesbian girls. After 18 months of touring through Asia they finally came home in December. Some of you will have seen the many photos they sent me of their travels, (the rat temple always springs to mind). Anyway the girls were supposed to stay and feed the kitties while Ren and I went north for christmas. Ms S stayed. Ms B didn't. It is a rather shitty thing to be dumped on christmas day, somehting that Ms S and I now have in common.

Now I'm no expert on relationships. In fact 9 times out of 10 I am the last to know when someone is interested in me, ditto for when they decided they are no longer interested. But this one I actually saw coming. Perhaps it is because Ms B and I are very similiar in age (8 days apart) and temperament. Or perhaps it is the fact that sometimes two people reach a point where they both want very different things. Some times, despite both parties best efforts, what was there in the beginning just goes. It's no one's fault, and there's nothing that any one can do about it. But how do you tell someone, after three years together, that this isn't what you want anymore?

I know one thing. You don't dump them on christmas day. Holidays are fucked up enough without adding that shit.

tales of blood(bank) and woe

Today was not a good day to bleed. Needle went in fine. First few draws and returns went fine, and then ... blow out. Normally I'm good with pain, but an increase of pressure inside your vein is no normal pain. One of the side effects of a blow out is that stuff leaks. Leaks outside the arm you can mop up. Leaks inside the arm are a little more tricky. I have a combination of blood and anticoagulant (which I already react badly to anyway) that has escaped the vein and is making things uncomfortable under the skin of my left bicep. They tell me to expect bruising. They also said that if at any point I feel tingling in my hand, coldness, or shooting pains, that I should get myself to casualty immediately.

I'm beginning to think that I may just stick to giving plasma. Giving platelets is getting to be hazardous to my health.

give until it hurts

I have been putting up with this headache for 18 days now. Mostly I can ignore it, but every now and then it smacks me around. I've limited my painkillers so as not to alert those around me, which means I have been able to avoid the "Go to the doctor" conversation. I'm still functioning, but this far in I am beginning to wonder how long I've got before it goes into eyeball stabbing migraine mode. 

Given I haven't had a migraine in quite some time I am a little nervous. As a contingency measure I tried to make an appointment with my acupuncturist, but he's on holiday. I can't take any of the more serious painkillers as they would prevent me from making my regular donation at the bloodbank tomorrow. The best I can hope for is that it hits during the four days I'm off over new years. At least then I can flake on the couch with the furballs in front of the air con. 

It's not like I'm doing anything anyway. I have never seen the point of going out on new years eve. People getting smashed, making poor choices, and resolutions that they never keep. I'm much happier having the house to myself ... well, I have to share with the kitties, but they don't complain if I need to spend several hours killing zombies.

On the upside I have been plotting planning on how to spend my christmas cash. Mostly I've been ordering t-shirts online, but I've also been eyeing off some new kitchen appliances. A man can never have too many baking-related pieces of machienery.

to the victor goes ... the kitties

We survived. Three whole days and the closest I came to anything christmas themed was the Dr Who special. I escaped the brief attempt at playing christmas carols, thanks to my trusty headphones, before mum conceeded. Apparently it's not as much fun if I can't hear them. The siblings were all well behaved, and there was not a single fight to be had. Almost didn't feel like christmas. Am still very glad to be home. Apparently christmas 2011 will be here. I've got 11 months to try and figure out how to get out of that one.

There was of course the lack of contact from my fathers family, which I'm not overly concerned about. As is traditional this time of year, we extend an olive brach to those that have hurt us. My brother extended his to our father, with a letter and photos of my nieces. There has been no reply. The bets regarding both olive branches have been made, but with new years closing in it seems unlikely that either of us will lose. Disappointing, but not altogether unexpected.

I did get to spend some quailty time with my nieces, Yoda in particular. No, they did not name my niece Yoda. The poor girl has been dealt an unfortunate genetic hand. She has come into this world with my nose, eyes, and the same pointed ears as me. She doesn't seem to have my attitude yet, but her parents have decided that to correct this they are making me "The Godfather." For all of my defects she is a very cute child, something she exploits shamelessly when it comes to food. Even with only two teeth she chomped through a gingerninja. How she still had room after the trifle, custard, milk, and babyfood ... she is definately one of us.

The most depressing thing of the last few days has to have been the death of Elisabeth Beresford, creator of The Wombles. All I could do was sing the theme song quietly to myself. It's sad when the few (happy) remaining links to our childhood leave us.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends ...

This time tomorrow I will once again back in the hell hole I grew up in for three days of torture, punctuated by homicidal thoughts, people I don't particularly care for, and unavoidable bullshit. I'm really not in the right frame of mind for this. Family is stressful enough, but christmas seems brings out the worst in us.

Traditionally the five and a half weeks between my birthday and christmas are filled with dread. Actually, it we're being brutally honest, it's from the 1st of November through to 2nd of January. I have always dreaded my birthday. If I were to look at it objectively I can remember only enjoying one, which would be depressing if things like that bothered me. It can be hard to celebrate something when it was also used as a reminder of how a single event fucked up peoples lives. But I digress.

The point is that by christmas I am usually wound tighter than an old watch, and want nothing more that to be far away from everyone and everything. I have only achieved this twice. Once with a uni friend who has been dead for six years now, and the other time with Ms' S & B. Though on the second ocassion I did end up in bed with a migraine by the end of the day.

This year will be the first christmas together since my grandfather died. The last christmas we all had together was 3 weeks before he died. But we will not all be together, since the family imploded shortly after the funeral (about 2 hours after). I can't say that the absence of my aunt and cousins worries me greatly. They have never cared for me, or how I have lived my life.

The main drama will be between my mother and grandmother. Strong willed women who aren't backward about coming forward. Though my mother tells me she will resist the urge, and bite her tounge. I have packed a needle and thread as I have visions of her biting clean through it. There will also be the tensions generated by my youngest brother and his continual failing in his paternal responsibilities, which my other brother feels so qualified to preach on (after all he pays his child support). Add to that my mothers ill health, and her increasing paranoia regarding my sister-in-law, and my own failing relationships ... and I'm supposed to be the peace keeper in all of this.

I should take comfort in the fact that I am already suitably numb, and that I will only be there for three days. Three very long days. So, what what words of wisdom can I offer for the holidays?

*forgive where you can
*be polite if you can't
*cranberry juice does wonders for internal plumbing

If you ignore the first two, trust me on the third. My kidney swear by it.

The difference between a mountain and a mole hill? Perspective.

I should have just called Miss T in the beginning. Words of wisdom from someone who lived with me long enough to know me well and still love me. Hopefully time will prove her right in this instance. Now all we need is some time when we are both free and can actually visit in person.

Until then I need to think of a costume for Miss A's BBQ on Australia Day. Thankfully there was a no budgie-smugglers rule stipulated nice and early. I may even have make a pavlova.

olive branch

So last night, after hours of baking, I made a decision. Actually I made several, but only one is likely to have a serious impact. I have extended the olive branch in the hope of putting some of the uncertainty behind us, (and also in not being beaten to death with it). So I sent an email, being as honest as I can about how I feel and how I would like to see things resolved.

I don't really expect a response. It would be nice, as I could definitely do without the uncertainity, but I don't expect it. I have to admit that I did feel better after sending it. I still feel better even now. Perhaps what I needed was to get it off my chest.

Regardless of the outcome I can at least feel that I have done everything in my power to salvage the friendship. As to whether or not it will be enough ...

funk

Yep, I'm in a funk. Not a good funk that would see me dancing around the kitchen, but the other kind. So, what to do about it? I've organised to catch up with Miss T for a phone date, but that's not until Monday night. I think I'm also having coffee with the uni girls after work on Monday. That leaves me with today to struggle through. When even zombie aren't cutting it there is only one option: baking.

The gingerbread dough is resting, and by 3 I should be rolling and cutting little bodies. I am considering making a flat-pack gingerbread house that I can assemble once I get to Nans, but I'll see how I go. I'm not feeling better yet, but hopefuly I will by the end.

inappropriate posts

Ok, so I got an email from a friend about posting on her blog. I of course then started thinking about this blog, and how neglected it has been. Though in truth it's not like anyone is following, so this is really not a big thing. But then I thought if no one is following this I can say whatever I want. This brings me back to the title of this post. It could also have been alternatively titled: "People who inexplicably (and unintentionally) attract indescrible amounts of drama into their lives."

The details of which are unimportant. Or in my case would be except for one small problem: the hole in my life, left by a certain individuals departure, is much larger than I had anticipated.

Granted that is rather cryptic description, but just because no one is reading right now does not mean no one will read it ever.

vocabulary terms tag cloud

And you are the wind beneath my wings ...

I am greatly amused. Wait for it to load and the title will all make sense. Don't know where they found it, but it gave me a laugh. Shame they didn't find it before this assignment was due. Such is life. Go, make your own.

this is the end ...

So, how do I feel about all of this? To be honest I'm not sure. Some of these exercises were fun. Some were painful. Mostly I've been wondering how I would use this at work. I still don't have an answer to that. The hardest part about keeping a blog is that you need to be online regularly. While I might check my email, do my banking, pay the bills, or work on assignments, I don't spend a huge amount of time in front of my laptop.

This wasn't always the case. Once I could have spent days online or gaming. I've had housemates who'd forgotten I lived there because they rarely saw me. But I can't do it anymore. I made the conscious effort to reclaim my life, and unplug. I’m more likely to be absorbed in a good book than go online. Perhaps it is because I recognise that computers and the internet are meant to be tools; they are for my convenience. They are not my link to the rest of the world. I’m sure that for some people it is their link, but I’m not one of them. I use them for what I need and then I go do something else.

Some of what we covered I already knew. Other things I had been avoiding like the plague, twitter being the best example. I am resigned to the fact that I will not do brilliantly on this assignment. I have given everything a bash, but I don't know if that is enough. My group has not been communicating a great deal, but from the other pages I've looked at this doesn't seem to be unusual. I think it is good to have broadened my knowledge base, even if I don't know what I'll use it for.

After all you get asked the strangest things in a public library.

Maps and mashups

View Long way from home in a larger map

I decided to play with google maps to document some of the places I have been, and the events that took place there. By the end I have lost all track of time, and all the other things I was supposed to be doing.

RiP: A remix manifesto is something that I think is brilliant. It is all about mash-up media. Definately worth checking out.

I had a look at Yahoo Pipes and have every intention of giving it a go, but unfortunately life got in the way. Given that this assignment finishes on Monday whatever I do find out will no longer be relevant, but I'll probably wack it up here at some point anyway.

The big print giveth ...

I'm still laughting over this: Gamers risk everlasting limbo. I know it was meant as an April Fools, but it highlights what we were talking about earlier. People don't read the shit that they are signing, or more accurately in this case clicking. Scary stuff. If you like the image you can check out the other images here. Making the web pretty, one page at a time.

HW5 Video, photos and other media

This is one of my most favourite shows from my childhood. My brother and I used to watch this with Nona. One of my favourite things about YouTube and sites like it is that you can find things you never thought you’d see again. Though given its ability to warp time you need to be really careful about where and when you chose to look at YouTube. Many productive hours lost there.



This one is more a flash back to my undergrad days. Getting to the end of the movie and having one of my friends say to me: “Hang on, you mean the guy playing the boyfriend wasn’t really a guy? Dude.” Yes indeed, dude.

I did have a poor quality video that my old housemate took of one of my cats dragging the bone from our lamb roast up the hallway, but can’t find it. It was super grainy, but you can make out her hissing at the other cat, and the fact that the bone was the same size as her. We did laugh at the time.

I don’t have a camera, or even a camera phone (yes, it’s true, and no I have no intention of getting one) so I don’t see any point in having a Flickr account. I do however have a decent link to something on Flickr. For those of you who don’t know I bake as a form of therapy. Baking, and killing zombies, keeps me sane. The girls sent me this some time ago, as a request. I haven’t got round to making them yet. Work and study doesn’t really leave a lot of time for either baking or zombies. Perhaps in the uni break (depending of course on what stage of the holidays my niece decides to be born). Follow the link. Try not to drool onto the keyboard.

HW4 social bookmarking is delicious

Ok, social bookmarking. Peter played with Diigo so I went with Delicious. I didn’t mind this. I quite like the idea of having all my links available where ever I am. Having had to reformat my laptop more than once (stupid vista) I have long kept my bookmarks listed in an email. Tedious yes, but using Firefox I can open all links and then mass save the open taps to my bookmarks. Ok, so sorting them alphabetically might take a little longer, but I can appreciate that not everyone needs to go that far in their organisation.

So, a little bit about Delicious. They belong to yahoo. They allow you to save and sort bookmarks that are of interest to you, and give you the option to share these sites with others. There’s nothing worse than finding a really interesting site, and then not being able to remember how you got there, or being able to find it again. With its use of tags you can bookmark anything of interest, and find it again no matter how long it has been or which computer you are on. In a world full of net cafes and backpackers this is a blessing. It is not without its danger. With tags you can find related sites that others have linked to. As anyone who knows me well will tell you, I love a good tangent. If you’ve ever talked to me for a reasonable amount of time you will know that in any one conversation we can go from one extreme to another. I may know how all the topics are linked, but it may make no sense to who I’m talking to. Even typing I have been known to go off on tangents. This is a perfect example.

With that in mind I can easily see how you could become lost following the links supplied by other people’s tags. Nice if you have all the time in the world. Not so good if you have places to be, assignments to do, a pie in the oven ... you get the idea.

It is easy to use once you install the software. I run Firefox and it installed quickly. The support page advises that the software will also run with Google Chrome and Internet Explorer. Bookmarking is essentially the same. There are the options of adding tags when bookmarking sites in Firefox, so the option to do so with Delicious is not unusual. From a social point of view you can now share your bookmarks with your friends, and even total strangers.

I couldn’t figure out how to get all my Firefox bookmarks directly into Delicious, so had to add them one at a time. I stopped at 47. There was probably an easier way, but I couldn’t find it. As an option to add new links as I go along I can definitely see myself continuing to using this. I’ll probably still bookmark things using Firefox as well. Old habits die hard.

twitter and micro blogging (or bamboo under the fingernails)

I am not a fan of twitter. If not for this class I could have successfully lived my life without every have gone anywhere near it. But I did. And, as I’m sure you’ve become accustomed to my brutal honesty, you expect me to start sledging twitter about now ... but I won’t. I just don’t have the energy.

I don’t think it is a generational thing. I really don’t think I’m so old that all new technologies are beyond me. I do think that I have moved beyond the need to know what people are doing every minute of every day. Mind you, I’d live on my own as far as I could get from people if I could. It may seem like an odd statement for someone who works, happily I might add, in a public library. I think we all have that part of our personality that we switch on in order to deal with people face to face in the world at large. It is much harder to maintain that persona when sitting in front of a computer in your pj’s.

Perhaps that is where my reluctance to engage on twitter comes from. It feels like pouring out this part of yourself and then waiting for a response. Not necessarily a bad thing, especially if you know your friends are waiting for you. It's just not for me. I no longer live in front of my laptop, so might not log on for days. Not the easiest way to have a conversation. But what if you truly have nothing to say? Are you insulting someone by smothering then in the minutia of your everyday life? Or are you (subconsciously or otherwise) waving a very large red flag, warning others of you complete self absorbency?

Either way, I quickly reached my limit. Nothing I saw or read made me wish to continue using twitter. I couldn’t find all the others in my group. I did find others in the class by the “#isys1166”, but again found nothing to hold my attention. (I know I'm not the only one who thinks this. There are other in this class who agree with me, though perhaps I am the only one prepared to be so vocal about it).

I have added links to twitter related things that I did find interesting.

How To Scan Thousands of Tweets Without Tears

Twitter Cruft Remover: I Needs It

Parting is such tweet sorrow: Romeo and Juliet get Twitter treatment

Twitter takes ads

HW2

Google Reader. It seemed like such a good choice in the beginning. Or to be brutally honest, it seemed like the easiest choice. Oh, how wrong I was. Maybe that was a little harsh. Getting in wasn’t difficult. Neither was signing up for sites that looked interesting. All that seemed to be simple enough. I admit that having all the things I looked at on a regular basis in the one place is brilliant. Or it would be, if it actually worked.

If, for the sake of this argument, I were to attempt to log in to my reader 10 times a week, I can confidently say that 7 of those times I would have difficulties. It may open to the main page, and give me little snippets of all the article that have been published since I last checked. But, the minute I try and click on each subscription individually I get an error message asking me to try again shortly. It doesn’t seem to matter if I am on either of the home laptops (one runs Windows7 and Mozilla Firefox, the other Vista and internet explorer) or the uni computers. It refuses to let me in. My supposedly convenient port of call is no longer convenient. In fact it is downright frustrating. I’m angry damn it.

The most disappointing part is that when the reader does work, it does exactly what I want it to. I toyed with the idea of finding another reader, but to be honest I haven’t bothered. I don’t think I could take the disappointment. I’d much rather just automatically open all my bookmarks in their own tabs, and flick through them. At this rate it is less labour intensive that fighting with my reader.

And yet the feeds come through fine on my blog. Just another of life’s little mysteries.

While we are on the topic of frustrating things (it's all coming back to me now) I did eventually manage to edit something on Wikipedia. It took several attempts to set up my account, and multiple error messages (I seem to have been attracting them) but I did get it to work eventually. I made a few small edits.
I can't say that I found it a particularly engaging experience.

I have no issues with the thousands of people who do contribute, or anyone who becomes intensely passionate about its content. It just isn't for me. Perhaps I am a little dismissive. I admit that I do use it as a starting point for general information, but I certainly would treat it as definitive. I think it does have a place for anyone in the quest of knowledge, but I'd take most of it with a grain of salt.

HW1

Ok, so obviously I did set up the blog. I had thought I wrote on everyone's wall, but it would appear that I only looked at them. Will correct that momentarily. Obviously it is a bit late to be making a welcome post, but I see no dramas with making comments on later posts. It is after all the engagement that counts.

For some reason I'm having difficulty commenting on Matt's page. Not really sure what's happening there.

Anyway, I decided to check out ResearchBuzz. I added this page to my Google Reader. I'm not thrilled with the reader but that is another post. I do like this site. It appeals to my inner geek. There's always something new being developed, and while it would be naive to think that we really are the first people to read about it, there is almost a sense that you are just a little bit in front of everyone else. Granted that at this stage the things discussed are not significantly practical. I will not be doing any major research projects any time soon. Still it is comforting to know that the information, and better ways to find it, exist.

not quite right

It has come to my attention that instead of just wading my through stuff I should have been documenting my progress, or lack thereof. Ranting to my partner and/or my cats on what I've been doing isn't helpful. Though to be honest I think my other half was just happy to see me, rather than only hearing noises from the study. My cats are supremely indifferent, unless they're hungry at which point they are suitably attentive.

But I digress.

To rectify this I will be going through my history and trying to recreate those situations which provoked my ire in the first place. There were also things I really enjoyed playing with. Hopefully I'll remember what they were when I see them.

pet hate

When taking time out from writing the odd assignment, I enjoy finding things that are relevant to my view of the world.

tutorial 2

I don't want to have to catalogue an antelope

Melbourne weather

Having had some time to refelect, as one does when the elements have you sitting in the dark after pulling every electrical item of value out of the wall, I have come to the conclusion that terms and conditions of use are a bit of a wank. Yes, that is a technical term, much like thing, whatsit, and doohicky.

I had no great interest in starting a blog, and had successfully resisted the pressure of my friends, who were very vocal in their support of starting my own cooking blog, (at last check there were some 45,800,000 cooking blogs according to google). Don't even get me started on twitter. Yes, I am aware that we will have to do it as part of the course work, but nowhere does it have to say that I have to like it.

Anyway, I did look at a few sites, but went with blogger as the most simple. I even made a point of reading the terms and conditions, twice. It is as if we have become programmed to not absorb anything that is preceded by the heading "Terms and Conditions." Even after reading it twice I still have no idea what it said. With that said I don't think this is something that we can blame on the internet.

For years people have been signing paperwork with only the vaguest idea of what they are agreeing to. How many people have signed for a loan and not understood how interest works, or all the fees and possible extra charges? What does your car insurance really cover? Does removing that tag off your matress void your warranty? How much information does you phone or internet provider really collect on you? My point, I guess, is that even if we are given all the information there is no guarentee that we will understand/retain it, or that it will have any impact on our decision.


So that was my epiphany. Well, that and trying to dry a wet cat with sharp claws is not for the faint hearted.

Uni made me do it ...

Ok, so now I have a blog. Wonder if it will go the same way as my webpage.

Doc Mgmt Tute #1

Good: email details of group members to said group.
Bad: forget to send email to self.


Meh.